Just show up. But plan. The showing up.

 How do i get back to my resolutions

I know im meant to just show up. Just show up. 

But feels like i need to plan my showing up. And that planning requires showing up. And so I need to plan the planning. 

Breathe. Pause. 

Read a book, 10 pages. no, 5 pages only. No matter genre. 

Work out 30min per day. Gym or home, no matter where. 

1 hour w/ Nina no phone. 

No sugar or carbs for a month. 

Plan ahead. Travels, weekend plans, toys for Nina. 

Deliver on plans. Bike seat. Fix the bike, buy the chair.

Run the numbers. You know which.

Arrived. ?

So. Tomorrow's the big day. Well, the pre-first day. A day long awaited for me and everyone close - I'm meeting my future team, of my future role.

That means I got a job offer at a company that I value, in a position that I value with conditions that I'm happy with - very happy with. 

That also means that I successfully managed to circumvent 3 years outside the corporate world, not only minimising its impact on my career progression, but even eliminate any risk of career misstep. Let's be honest, getting a B5-equivalent role in a strong company it's not something I phanthomed, as not too long ago I was applying to roles of significantly less seniority and skill. It was on the cards, but with low likelihood given Corona context, recruitment processes available and at hand for my seniority, and limited connections in this city. 

Most importantly, it means I got the chance - actually privilege feels more accurate -  to fully enjoy 3 full years of a leap into the void, dream pregnancy, gratification of being present for your baby, going up and down on professional self-assurance, jumping at an elite startup incubator and force myself outthere....and coming out the other side unscathed. 

And it comes with a big sigh of *RELIEF*.

But as my brain would have it, this is about as much as I can enjoy and "kudo" myself. 

The show must go on, and this show apparently feeds on anxiety, concern, and of course, continuous self-exerting pressure and guilt. 

For the moment it's things like..."Where are you in the things you listed so confidently 6 months ago? Hell, 3 weeks ago? Do I need to recall them for you? Let's see...*unscrolls papyrus* Rearrange the closets, rearrange the MAC files, hanging pictures for Nina's bedroom, choosing photos for living rooms, buying plants, PREPARE NINA'S B-DAY - HAVE YOU ORDERED HER CAKE? SHE'S GONNA BE CAKELESS and you'll fail as mother, in the eyes of all your guests...btw, where are you with the SITTER? GYNO? REGISTRATION? 2YO REVISION? HAIRDRESSER APPOINTMENT...You're not going to the new office WITH THAT HAIR, ARE YOU¿???"

But of course, there's always room for extra (usual) guests...Overwhelm and paralysis. 

These guys love to throw a good old' scenario of 3 weeks of laundry to catchup on, not finding the steam iron to make yourself presentable and a closet rack fall down with 30 coats...

FUKIN' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.

All good now. Off to sleep, nighty night.

It's up to you

 It's very, very simple to get what you want, 

but it's not easy.

It's your job to make yourself do the crap you don't wanna do, 

so you can be everything

you're supposed to be.

And you're so damn busy

waiting to feel like it.

And you're never going to. Ever.

No one's coming.

No one.

No one's coming to push you, 

No one's coming to tell you to turn the tv off, 

No one's coming to tell you to get out the door and exercise,

nobody's coming to tell you to apply for that job you've always dreamt about.

Nobody's coming to write the business plan for you.

It's up to you.

Pride by Choice

Today I came across a Jeff Bezos speech that stuck with me.

When it comes to success and achievements and talent, you should be proud of your CHOICES not your Talents.

Your talents were given to you, were gifts. They come essy to you.

But the choice of fighting hard, of wanting to overcome the hard challenges, those are worth of pride.

I like that.

Melhor abraço do mundo

O melhor abraço do mundo.

É só meu. 

Quente, doce, cálice de amor incondicional e intransmissível. 

É só meu. 

Sentido com a intensidade de gerações infinitas.

É só meu. 

Momento de cumplicidade impossível numa história contada uma e mil vezes.

É só meu. 

E quantas vezes bebido com o coração a meia-haste, por angústias malditas.

Mas hoje e sempre é só meu, o melhor abraço do mundo.

Perdidamente

Ser poeta é ser mais alto, é ser maior

Do que os homens! Morder como quem beija!
É ser mendigo e dar como quem seja
Rei do Reino de Aquém e de Além Dor!

É ter de mil desejos o esplendor
E não saber sequer que se deseja!
É ter cá dentro um astro que flameja,
É ter garras e asas de condor!

É ter fome, é ter sede de Infinito!
Por elmo, as manhãs de ouro e de cetim...
É condensar o mundo num só grito!

E é amar-te, assim, perdidamente...
É seres alma, e sangue, e vida em mim
E dizê-lo cantando a toda a gente!

Sign of the times

So many things are catching my eye but I don't have the time. 

I should though. I have time. 

Only...it's meant to be focused, efficient time. Everything else is a deafening, pounding beat in the background, pulling me into the dark corners of my self-diagnosed ADHD.

These temptations feel irresistible...I can taste their sweet flavour of indulgence, of meaningless growth and timeless pause...and yet, they are tentacles of distraction that seem to stretch the fabric of my sanity. So I haven't even thought about dedicating time to (any of ) these interests...and I'M GETTING FUCKING ANXIOUS.

So here. Just blurgrring them out. 

- positive affirmations and day routine. 

- brand building / business books and taking notes.

- novels. Amsterdam and beyond. Underline, write thoughts.

- write a journal. 

- take course on book writing.

- investok & intentional goals.

- love language.  

- side hustles.

- megajam, getting back to myself.

- family pho-o albums.