Saboteurs don’t take days off

Recently I took my mantra “Challenge Yourself, don’t say no to anytbing” (not exactly these words, but this is the gist of it) to a new level.

Having landed in Amsterdam 2 months earlier with no serious job lead, no prospects of a dream-job becoming clear, and covid19 limiting my exploring options of the city, I took on the dare that a recently acquainted contact had proposed: applying to a startup program “that turns exceptional estsblished professionals (their words 🙄) into founders of their own company”

That alone seems adventurous. What do I know of start-ups? Yet, at the time that didn’t seem relevant. Chances of me getting in were low... I mean, 3 interviews, a reasoning test (my worst nightmare!) and case review McKinsey style (and had to do 2). After 2 years of hanging low in brain-cell department, it was all about the dare, not really an intention.

2 weeks after I had my first interview, I got the call that confirmed I was IN.

First reaction. Shock. How can it be?? Are you sure?? You can still pull back!

Second reaction: wow! I got it! Unbelievable!! Yey!

Then, the questions begin....Do I really want this? Is this for me? Am I sure this is the path or will I be wasting my time (and everyone else’s)? 

These questions really stuck with me, especially as I learned more about the program: this incubator invests in tech-abled businesses (ideas that have at their core some technologic edge and are made possible because of tech), all other (founder) candidates have 10+ of expertise in their field, and 75% of them are engineers by education or profession. Oh and 50% have launched their own startups before.

2 days after the offer I said yes. Mostly because I had nothing else on the table and this would maybe fill a uncomfortable gap on the Cv. And because if nothing else, I could put my brain to a challenge, expand my network and learn again.

Im now 24h of starting the program, and the 13year-marketer-in-a-cruiseshiplike-multinational in me is screaming in panic. 

In the ring of my mind, where confidence and saboteurs battle for my sanity, we have ‘in the right hand corner’, my fear of failure saboteur whispering “You have nothing to add, clearly be the worse in the program and be ridiculized”. And in the left hand corner, my procastination master laughs and calmly says “that unpleasant feeling of inaptitude? Push it forward, prepare for it tomorrow, you have the whoooole day” (when I really don’t). And exactly, confidence has sneaked out of the ring while the other two discussed.

Let the games begin.

What’s it like fee...BEING an Impostor

Not the first and won’t be the last. 

Our lives and careers are filled with moments of doubt, anxiety, and occasionally, embarassement, remorse...For the choices we’ve taken, for decisions we made and ‘cleverly’ concluded in hindsight they were incorrect, for things we didn’t do and ‘so obviously’ should have done.

And while fighting against these internal saboteurs is a daily challenge, seldom is there a chance of proving them right.

Until you have a misstep - perceived or real - and you can see things take a turn for the worse. In.slow.motion.

...You are there, but you are not yourself. You are witnessing it all but cannot allow yourself to intervene. You are Nero and are watching Rome burn.

At this moment the weight of inevitability sinks in. You prepare to have your demons devour any remaining bit of dignity you were holding onto. You suddenly become the disgraceful incompetent being you always suspected to be. Guilt, humilliation, sorrow consume you. And it might even be satisfying, as you are getting your long-time-coming ‘unmasking’; you’ve been outted, there is no need to continue pretending.

...Which is an ironic twist considering i spent my teen years romantisizing the melancholic darkness only the truly inspired genius could feel and master to the benefit of their pieces.

But I suppose by the same token, you will rise above your expectations. That’s the best part of having them so low.

3, 2, 1...Jump??????

Scared and excited in equal parts. Me, lover of all things comfortable and 'couch-y', generally risk-adverse, controled by Impostor Syndrome and my deep insecurities, am venturing off into a professional adventure made of terribly smart people, that want to eat the world and own it too. 

Taking it like a learning experience but scared like first day at new school.

Pushing off the anxiety for now. Although I can see it staring at me from the doorway. 

Finding comfort in the thought of pushing my own limits, daring to walk a path so unfamiliar. 

Breathe. Work. You got this.